


Wish I Were

by erosandhades



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Ginny is Heather, Happy Ending, Harry and Draco are best friends, High School AU, Inspired by Heather from Conan Gray, M/M, Muggle AU, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Draco Malfoy, Pining, Self-Indulgent, Songfic, This is a Drarry fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:14:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26227753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erosandhades/pseuds/erosandhades
Summary: She's got you mesmerized,While I die.(Heather by Conan Grey)Draco and Harry are best friends since they were children. Draco wishes they were more, but Harry only has eyes for Ginny.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley
Comments: 16
Kudos: 223





	Wish I Were

**Author's Note:**

> Hullo!  
> This is my first time writing something for this fandom. I've always wanted to do it but I always lost courage (what a poor excuse of a Gryffindor I am) before I could even think of a plot. Then today I was chilling, you know, listening to Heather by Conan Gray and crying my ass off and before I knew it this story just came to life right before my eyes. So here it is!  
> Also, this history was inspired not only by Heather but also by an animatic made on this song as well. Here is the [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ynaqc1Q0dYA) to it. It's amazing, go check it out.  
> Now, let's dive into this. This was written in chronological order but there are time skips on the narrative that are not regular. I guess you can understand everything pretty well though. If you have any problems understanding it, please tell me!  
> Hope you all like it.

_I still remember_

_Third of December_

_Me in your sweater_

_You said it looked better_

_On me, than it did you_

_Only if you knew_

_How much I liked you_

“Harry, I can use my own sweater,” Draco grumbled but put on the clothes after he removed his own anyways, not being even slightly timid about being shirtless in front of Harry. They were childhood friends, after all, and they used to bathe together when younger. It was normal.

“Bullshit. Yours' soaking wet. I don’t want you to get cold like last time,” Harry said from the other side of the room.

Draco rolled his eyes and made his way to his best friend’s bed. He made himself comfortable against the pillows and looked at Harry, standing in front of his wardrobe catching new clothes for himself. They had to run to Harry's house from the skate park they hang out after school when the winter cold rain had hit them before they could seek refugees anywhere else.

“You need to wait for your own to dry out, at least,” Harry kept saying, not even looking at Draco, as he searched in his mess of used clothes for a fresh one. But then he looked up and turned his face to regard Draco from the top of his shoulder and smiled with a fondness that made Draco’s heart rate speed up. “Besides, it looks much better on you.”

Draco thanked all the deities in the universe for Harry’s obliviousness and for the fact he was more intent on finding new clothes than to watch his reaction to _that_. Draco had flushed all the way from his neck to his ears and couldn’t make out any response besides a humm that would seem embarrassed to anyone else but Harry. 

Yeah, so maybe seeing Harry shirtless was normal, but this kind of thing wasn’t. 

Draco wished it were.

_But I watch your eyes, as she_

_Walks by_

_What a sight for_

_Sore eyes_

_Brighter than a_

_Blue sky_

_She's got you_

_Mesmerized_

_While I die_

Draco felt like there was a hand on his throat, coercing all the breath and life out of him without mercy. He was drowning, drowning, _drowning_ and he could do nothing but stare and see the salt being poured on his wounds. 

He watched as Harry regarded Ginny crossing the street. He watched as the light inside Harry’s eyes became so much warmer than normal, so much that it hurt to look at him. He watched as Harry gasped as he stared at her laughing with Hermione from afar, his skate long forgotten on the ground of the park. He watched as Ginny’s red hair shone brighter than the fire in the sun, and how Harry looked to be mesmerized by her unfair beauty. He watched as his best friend and first love looked at someone else like that. 

Draco’s heart broke a little more each breath he took. Each second he watched.

He let himself die.

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

_I'm not even half, as pretty_

_You gave her your sweater_

_It's just polyester, but you like her better_

_Wish I were Heather_

The sound of the cafeteria was muffled as Draco’s heart thumped loudly on his ears. It was lunchtime, and Pansy was making jokes along with Ron and Blaise in an attempt of releasing a bit of the stress of the last week of exams, but he felt anything even slightly similar to relief as he stared at the table across from him.

Harry had his arms around Ginny’s shoulders and he looked at her adoringly as she talked to Hermione on their table, gesturing wildly in what seemed like the retail of a good story. Harry was just looking at her, and yet, he seemed so at peace beside her. Perfectly satisfied to be watching her talk, smile, and exist, all as she was dressed in his sweater. The same sweater Draco used to wear on cold winter nights.

She was just too pretty. Prettier than he could ever hope to be.

He couldn’t eat. He could only play with his food and pretend to be stressed when his friends asked about why he couldn’t have even a single bite of the potato puree of the canteen. He could only catch glances from Harry as he pretended to be fine while watching his heart being crushed once more. He knew he was a good actor, so his friends let him sulk quietly. In a way that only one person would be able to see through.

Draco started to grab his things to leave. He couldn’t stand it anymore and he would need to see Harry later, so they could work on a project for the English class they both took together. He needed to regain his strength and reign his feelings inside before they became too close to the surface. As he stood up, Harry’s eyes found him for the first time since he walked into the cafeteria.

Harry was frowning as if asking if he was okay with his eyes. Draco managed a trembling smile that he knew was not _at_ _all_ convincing, and maybe he didn’t want to be convincing. He wanted Harry to come to check upon him. He wanted Harry to care. But before Harry could, Ginny distractedly put one of her hands onto Harry’s on her shoulder, and Harry’s attention was diverted once more. He smiled at Ginny as if he had never stopped.

Draco wished. Draco wanted. But he couldn’t have that. So, Draco left without looking back.

_Watch as she stands with_

_Her holding your hand_

_Put your arm 'round her shoulder_

_Now I'm getting colder_

_But how could I hate her?_

_She's such an angel_

_But then again, kinda_

_Wish she were dead_

The bell rang and another week at school ended. Draco mechanically grabbed his things and went out of the chemistry lab without thinking twice about it, as he was still trying to figure out what had he done wrong on today’s experiment. The hallways of the building were fulling up as he made his way to his locker. He left his books he wouldn’t need for the weekend and grabbed the ones he needed for homework quietly, greeting and nodding to people he knew and was friendly with from multiple classes or from the skate park. He was alone as he made his way out of the building and into the parking lot though, but he wouldn’t be for long.

In no time he saw his group of friends between Ron’s and Blaise’s car, chatting and probably waiting for him. But as he saw them, he felt so cold he needed to stop and catch his breath before making his way to them. Ginny was there with Harry, his arm around her shoulder, which indicated that she would probably catch a ride with Ron on their way home, as they were siblings. Draco didn’t realize this would happen now that Harry and she were a thing but it made so much sense that Draco felt stupid for not having prepared himself psychologically for this from advance. 

Now he would just need to suck it up and cry about it later. 

He walked the rest of the way with his head high and his mask in place.

“What took you so long?” Pansy asked the moment she saw him approaching, her eyebrows furrowed. Now everyone was looking at him, Ginny and Harry included.

He stopped in a halt when he reached his friends and rolled his eyes at Pansy as he started to fist bump Ron, Harry, and Blaise, and kissed the girl’s cheeks. Even Ginny’s, because he was polite like that.

“I was just trying to understand what was my mistake in class and stayed for a little bit to talk to Professor Snape about it.”

“Nerd,” Blaise sing-songed mockingly and everyone started to laugh. Even Hermione, the queen of the nerds. Talk about hypocrisy.

He was going to point that out but he was interrupted.

“Why, you just want his grades, Blaise. Stop being jealous, this is not a good look on you,” Ginny said with a sharp smile that made her look strangely cute. Even Draco could see that. Why the hell did she need to be so nice anyway?

It would be really good if he could hate her but he just _couldn’t_. She didn’t deserve it and she made Harry so happy after all.

Even then, Draco kinda wished she stopped breathing so that living didn’t hurt that much for _him_.

_As she_

_Walks by_

_What a sight for_

_Sore eyes_

_Brighter than a_

_Blue sky_

_She's got you_

_Mesmerized_

_While I die_

“I’m telling you, Draco,” Harry sighed from his place on the bed, looking love-struck as he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom. “She’s so beautiful that sometimes I can’t even _think_ when I’m near her.”

Draco never wished more to be able to concentrate before. To just tune out and continue to work on his project, so he and Harry could get straight A’s.

But he couldn’t. Not when Harry was stepping on his heart so intensely.

Not even when this has been routine since Harry managed to get the courage to tell Ginny he liked her. Not since Ginny said she liked him back. Not since they started to _date._

He should have got used to this by now. But he hasn’t.

And he felt himself drowning further as he managed to smile at Harry and call him a fool.

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

_I'm not even half, as pretty_

_You gave her your sweater_

_It's just polyester, but you like her better_

_I wish I were Heather_

The party was full-on. The music was loud, everyone was drunk and Draco felt miserable.

He took another swing on his beer and watched Ginny from the other side of the room.

She danced well, and her hips were moving in a way that was leaving Harry desperate beside him on the couch. She was laughing and singing to the song playing wholeheartedly with Hermione and they seemed to have the best time of their lives. She looked so pretty and joyful that it made her glow. She was prettier than probably anyone else in the room, besides the only person by his side.

Draco looked at Harry from the corner of his eyes and noted how the dimmed lights in the room reflected his beautiful green orbs beneath his round glasses. He was breathtakingly gorgeous with his black hair tousled from dancing and laughing so hard he cried. He was smiling, probably at Ginny, and he looked so happy that Draco had to look away.

That happiness wasn’t directed at him.

It would never be as long as Ginny was there. He had no chance and never had. Harry was straight too, after all.

He stood up and left the living room, leaving his empty beer bottle on the floor by the couch, happy for once that Harry wouldn’t notice. He made his way to the bathroom and thanked the god’s for it was empty of drunk horny teenagers.

He closed the door and looked at himself in the mirror.

He was good looking, he reckons. He had blond hair, so light that it looked almost bleached. Once, a guy he hooked up with told him his eyes were an interesting shade of gray, that was mixed with blue and green. He was lean, tall, and had fine bone structure, enough that he knew that if he wanted, he could be dating someone right now. 

If he wanted.

If he didn’t want what he couldn’t have.

If he wasn’t in love with his best friend.

Why did he have to want the only one he couldn’t have? That was in love with the only one he couldn’t compete with. 

Ginny was so nice, sweet, and strong witted. She was intelligent, fun, and _so, so beautiful._ Draco might be good looking but he couldn’t compete with her. Never her. And that sometimes was a relief, because it meant that it wasn’t his fault for being less. It was just that Ginny was more. And Harry deserved more.

He deserved everything in the world.

He wouldn’t, couldn’t, kiss Draco ever when Ginny was around and that was simple as that.

Ginny stole Harry away and Draco surrendered to her because she deserved that happiness too. She deserved someone as good as Harry.

And maybe, it was time to let go, so he could pursue the happiness he deserved as well.

A pound on the door startled him from his thoughts.

“Draco? Are you ok?”

It was from Harry.

Draco noticed only then, as he regarded himself again in the mirror of the bathroom, the tears that tainted his cheeks. He splashed some water on his face to regain some composure before he answered Harry.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Draco said, his voice weak to his own ears.

“Are you sure?” Harry’s voice seemed worried.

“Sure. I’ll go out in a minute,” Draco took a deep breath.

“Ok.”

And even with the loud music, Draco could listen to Harry’s retreating steps. Going away.  
  


_Wish I were Heather_

_Wish I were Heather_   
  


Draco was drunk and dancing with a stranger. 

The stranger was handsome and was grabbing Draco by the waist.

As his lips touched the other guy’s, Draco let go.

_Why would you ever kiss me?_

_I'm not even half as pretty_

_You gave her your sweater_

_It's just polyester, but you like her better_

_Wish I were_

“Why did you do that, Draco?” Harry was asking.

They were in his car and Harry was driving him home. Draco felt lightheaded from the alcohol and disgusted with himself. He had made out with that guy for a while before trying to retreat because it didn’t feel right, and then the guy started screaming that he was a slut and that he didn’t want Draco anyway. Harry came to his defense and punched the guy. They were kicked out of the party. It was a mess.

Still, maybe it was the drunkness, but Draco didn’t know what Harry meant.

He tore his eyes away from the window and looked at Harry, who was gripping the wheel with white-knuckle strength.

“Do what?”

“Kissed him,” Harry said quietly, his eyes on the road. Draco frowned at him.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You’re not the type of person that kisses random guys. So why did you do it?”

Draco snorted.

“What? What’s funny?” Harry glanced at him with his eyebrows furrowed.

Draco chuckled with the irony of it all. Oh, he loved alcohol.

“I’m tired of the ache, that’s all,” Draco mumbled with a self-deprecating smile on his face, looking out of the window again.

“What ache? What are you talking about?” Harry stopped his car on the side of an empty street and was looking straight at him, having turned to his sides on the driver’s seat.

“Nothing, Harry. It’s fine.” Draco said softly while beating himself up inside. Why the hell did he say that? He looked at Harry again. “I just felt like doing it tonight. I wanted to kiss a stranger. But then I didn’t anymore and all went to crap.”

Draco rolled his eyes and attempted to sound teasing so Harry could let it go, but it didn’t work. Not this time.

Harry was watching him intensely, his eyebrows furrowed and his face grim with thought. The lamp posts on the street cast a faery kind of vibe to his features and he looked _beautiful_. Draco diverted his eyes and waited for Harry to speak. 

He didn’t.

“Harry, let’s just go. It’s fine, really. The alcohol is starting to fade, and I’m starting to have a headache. Just take me home, please,” Draco asked him with pleading eyes.

Harry didn’t move.

Draco stared.

Harry stared back.

“Why did you kiss him?” Harry asked quietly, even if it sounded loud in the silence of the car.

“I told you—”

“No, you told me a lie,” Harry interrupted him sternly. And damn, Harry Potter for knowing Draco too well. Damn him. “I want to know the truth. You aren’t the kind of guy to kiss someone randomly in the night, and before that, you spent almost half an hour in the bathroom. Something happened. What happened?”

Draco gulped in a dry throat.

What the fuck would he say to that? Harry would see right through him. He always had and he is _searching_ for an answer now, so he would certainly notice if Draco lied.

For the first time ever, Draco wished Ginny was with them so she could distract Harry.

“I—” Draco began but stopped and took a deep breath. “I just needed a distraction.”

“From what?”

Draco closed his eyes. There was no escaping this, and even if there was a way, he couldn’t think of it right now. Not with the alcohol on his body, fading but there. Not with the way his heart was beating loudly and his hands were shaking. He needed to tell the truth.

“From you,” he whispered.

A beat of silence.

“Me? Did I do something wrong?” Harry seemed worried and took Draco’s hands that were folded in his lap.

Draco felt like laughing, like crying, like screaming, all at the same time.

He opened his eyes and found Harry’s green ones looking at him with true worry and affection. An affection that once would have made Draco hope. But not anymore.

“No.”

“Then what do you mean?”

Draco knew that there was no escape to this since he realized his feelings for Harry, more than a year ago. He knew that, someday, he would need to tell him. And that he would lose Harry when that day came. He felt as if his heart was being ripped apart, already mourning the best friendship, love, and companionship he ever hoped to have. He was already thinking about how hard it would be to look from Harry across the hall at school and not being able to talk to him and complain about Snape. He was already reminiscing the day he had met Harry, the two of them chasing a ball in the park under the summer sky, and forming an easy friendship that only five-year-olds could manage.

He looked down, to his hands and Harry’s intertwined, and let a single tear run down his face.

“I just couldn’t look at you with her anymore.”

The silence was heavy in the car. Draco just wanted this to be over so he could cry his heart out, away from Harry and from all the love he had ever known besides his family’s. He felt like choking.

A hand slipped away from his grip and went to his chin, lifting his face to teary green eyes.

“Y-you m-mean—” Harry stuttered and he looked emotional. As if he knew what that meant too. And Draco wasn’t stupid, he knew that Harry valued their friendship just as much as him, and loved him. 

They were friends since always and Harry loved him just as much as Draco loved him. Just not in the same way.

Harry would miss him just as much as Draco would miss him. Just not in the same way.

“I love you, Harry. I’m so sorry.” Draco couldn’t hold the tears down anymore. They were running wildly now, probably making his face all red and puffy. He probably looked disgusting, but he didn’t care. Harry had better memories of him than this moment.

“B-but. Since when?”

“I realized it a year ago. But, I-I think it was since before that. S-since forever, maybe,” Draco was shaking all over.

Harry looked surprised, with his mouth open and all, but now he had tears running down his face as well. His hand on Draco’s hand was clutching tightly as if scared to let go, and his hand that was on Draco’s chin now was cupping his cheek.

It was everything he had ever wanted but not like this. Not like this. Not with so many tears and sadness.

“I had no idea,” Harry whispered.

“I’m a good actor,” Draco tried to smile reassuringly but it turned out sad in the middle of his tears. “But it’s fine. I know you’re with Ginny, and she is lovely. You two deserve all the best. I’ll be fine.”

Harry took a deep breath and his eyes widened slightly as if he had realized something. He closed his eyes and leaned into Draco, over the console of the car, and touched their foreheads. Draco didn’t know what was happening, but Harry just breathed in and cried with his forehead touching Draco’s. They cried together silently, holding onto each other and not letting go.

Maybe minutes had passed. Maybe an hour. But eventually, they both stopped crying. Draco still held Harry’s hand and Harry still cupped his cheek. They still had their foreheads touching. Once Draco could breathe properly again, he opened his eyes that he didn’t even realize he had closed, just to see that Harry had already his eyes open. And they were clear and determined as if he had decided something. He was close and his face looked flushed from all the crying.

Draco lifted his unoccupied hand and touched Harry’s hand on his face.

“Harry.”

And then, Harry was kissing him.

At first, it was just a touch of lips, and Draco gasped with confusion. Harry parted and looked at Draco’s face, searching for something but Draco couldn’t say anything for he was too confused. He didn’t understand what had happened. Had Harry just kissed him or was it just his wishful thinking?

But then it happened again. Harry’s hand left his own and cupped his other cheek as if he was precious and he pressed his lips against Draco’s with more certainty. His eyes were closed and Draco just didn’t react. He couldn’t make his body cooperate and enjoy this last gift Harry was giving him.

Eventually, Harry stopped kissing him and looked inside his eyes.

“Why did you do that?” Draco asked, dumbfounded.

“Because I realized I wanted it,” Harry answered, seeming awed from this discovery.

“B-but,” What the fuck was happening right now? “What about Ginny, Harry?”

Harry’s lips, that now Draco knew were as soft as they looked, became thin and tense.

“I don’t know yet. I like her. But. It’s not the same thing as you. I’ve known you since always. I’ve _loved_ you since always. We are _more._ We’ve always been more, and now, as I have you here, between my hands, I can only think about how much I want this. How much I want to kiss you and to be with you. I think about you all the time, even when I’m with her, and I-I just never realized it before.”

Now it was Draco’s mouth that was open with confusion.

“You always told me I’m oblivious, and that sometimes I need things rubbed onto my face,” Harry continued with a small smile on his face. “That was more true than we both thought.”

Draco wondered if he was dreaming.

“Am I dreaming?” he mumbled. He didn’t know how to process what was happening. He never thought this would happen. Ever.

Harry laughed brightly and Draco’s chest felt so tight with hope in a way he had never dared to before.

“No, you’re not,” he leaned once again on Draco’s direction and touched their foreheads. “Now, will you kiss me back?” Harry whispered with his lips almost on Draco’s.

Draco grinned and closed the distance between them. 

And even if things weren't exactly clear and Harry still liked Ginny, he wanted to be with _him._ With Draco. Because he liked Draco too.

As Draco deepened the kiss and felt himself shiver with how brilliant it was to finally kiss Harry, he wondered again if this was a dream.

The tears that salted their kiss were real, though. And they were liquid happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> So here it is! My first Drarry fic!
> 
> I really liked writing this. I love this song so much, and I loooooooove Drarry. That's the product of a lot of love.
> 
> Here's a shoutout to my beta, [Moon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonqueerdom/pseuds/moonqueerdom), that always helps me to manage everything I'm writing and still give me amazing ideas.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this, I *really* appreciate it. Comments and kudos would be amazing <3  
> See you guys next time!


End file.
